The darker side of ‘good vibes only’…
Howdy folks, I hope this article finds you well in a comfortable state- PJs donned with a sweet fruity cuppa in hand.
Today we touch on toxic positivity, a topic perhaps unfamiliar to most guilty parties. It’s a much more contemplative discussion, so I’ll make it snappy. Snip snap.
This is by far the MOST beautiful rendition of the 1994 Beyonce classic ‘Halo’ I’ve ever heard. Sam’s vocal range on and falsetto control of the deep, weighty lyrics really slaps. I’ve gotten mixed reviews, so it’s probably down to personal preference and acquired taste…Going into the subject of this piece, perhaps we all need that halo in our lives- the one person that transforms our life due to their presence, setting us on a different trajectory altogether.
We’re never all Positive Patricks or Negative Nicoles. With every peak there’s a trough– we all have our ups and downs, highs and lows. I’m a really positive individual and believe that this bright and sunny disposition on life is what allows me to enjoy the great balmy days and take on the biggest downpours. Yet, it is possible to have a surfeit of this saccharine feeling that goes ‘good vibes only, life is great!’ An overdose of it may in fact, cause more harm and lead to the very suffering that it seeks to eliminate.
So what is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter the difficulty or dreadfulness of a situation, one should maintain a positive mindset. On the exterior, it may pull off the facade of optimism and positive thinking when in actual fact, it instead dismisses and invalidates the difficult emotions that one possess. Toxic positivity can present itself in an extensive variety of forms. You may have experienced an awful lot of such scenarios through your life, but you were none the wiser that you’ve been on the front (or back) end of toxic positivity.
- Perhaps you’ve lost a precious someone- ‘Everything happens for a reason.’
- Perhaps you’ve just got retrenched- ‘Stay positive, look on the bright side!’
- Perhaps you’re just having a bad day- ‘Happiness is a choice, get on with it mate.’
Well no, YOU get on with it you muppet. Apologies, emotions are running high here. More often than not we feed people (or are fed) with such sweeping statements. While they’re seemingly harmless comments and are meant to be commiserating, they can come off as you simply shutting down what the other person is feeling. The tangle of Empathy vs sympathy…ahh memories of medical school interviews come flooding in, oh happy days. Though well-intended, these statements are at best hackneyed phrases with a strong whiff of essential banality.
As with anything that is done in excess, when positivity is used to repress negative thoughts or emotions, it turns into something toxic and pernicious. It quashes and suppresses the human experience by ineffectively applying the jolly and sanguine human state across all situations. It’s a one-size-fits-all approach, and that results in the denial, nullification and invalidation of the raw and emotional Man.
The poignant truth of life is, humans are inherently flawed. To human is to err. Jealousy, sadness, greed, resentment and anger are a few examples of negative emotions we exhibit. Life isn’t a bed of roses and negative emotions are but a part of the bits and bobs of living. Trying to always display this ‘positive vibes only’ will only deny the validity of the genuine human experience- the bottle of goodness and sin.
Instead of dismissing people’s negative thoughts and emotions, listen and empathise with them. Immerse yourself in the bottomless pit of their struggles but don’t make yourselves into them. That way, you’re then able to console, advise and counsel. ‘It could be worse,’ has stark undertones. It tells me that I should be thankful for what I did have, and not mull over what I’ve just lost. Sure pal, but life still sucks. Don’t keep offering them perspectives. Validate their emotions and sentiments. Stop berating them for their exasperation and bitterness, or anything that isn’t within an inch of positivity.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with positivity. It just has to be sincere, passive and espouse the real feelings of sadness, fear and anxiety. Otherwise it’s not healthy, it’s toxic.
I’m as guilty as can be. We’re all peccant, you and I. We didn’t know then, but we do now. It’s not too late to right our wrongs! Do away with the ‘It is what it is’ attitude of brushing people off. Empathy occurs in the here and now. Advice is an enemy of empathy in some cases- you want to stay in their world, not make yourself feel better. Embrace them, lend them a listening ear, offer them a shoulder to cry on, then Bob’s your uncle.
Cheers folks, see you around soon. For the time being however, let’s mask up and stay home!!
Alexander SR Pang
ALEXANDER SR PANG 